He could remember the exact moment. Fourteen years ago. On
that day where birds didn’t chirp, the sun hid behind the clouds, and a gloom
had set over the whole kingdom. Rama said to look towards the horizon for his
return on the last day of his exile.
Bharatha had promised he would end his life otherwise. You
would think after so many years, the brother would have forgotten his lost
sibling, but no. There he stood outside his home, which he exiled himself to
after his sibling’s leave from their kingdom.
What was his purpose in life if his brother were not to
return? No purpose. He sighed to himself and slowly started setting up
everything for his self-inflicted death.
____
Rama marched with his army towards Nandigram, where his
brother awaited him.
“March onwards, my people! We must make haste,” he boomed to
the army following behind him. There was no time left. Just small seconds
ticking. They weren’t going to make it.
____
“Brother, please don’t! He may yet show, there is still some
time!” Sathrugna urged. “You cannot do this to yourself!”
Tears in his eyes, Bharatha brought up his hand, bringing
his brother to silence. “You know this was my promise to Rama. He is the true
king, brother.”
Sathrugna grabbed Bharatha’s wrist, tears flowing down his
face as well. “Please. Just wait.”
____
Rama was running as fast as he could, everyone rushing
behind him. “It is not possible,” he whispered, sadly. But then a thought came
to mind.
“Hanuman! I need you to go ahead of us! As fast as you can,
go to my brother and tell him we are coming!”
Hanuman nodded, growing bigger and quickly heading towards
Nandigram.
___
Bharatha stared into the last light falling into the horizon
and pushed away Sathrugna. “It’s time. You have to let me go.”
“No, brother!” Saruthragna cried.
Just then, they saw a figure in the horizon running quickly
towards them.
“Brother, look!” Sathrugna yelled.
Bharatha was about to end his life, when Hanuman immediately
came upon him and put out the fire.
“Rama is on his way.”
“Rama is on his way.”
Bharatha stopped breathing. “Rama…?”
Right then, his eyes settled on another figure in the
horizon and soon enough a huge army.
“He’s here,” Sathrugna whispered, his face soaked from the
tears.
Bharatha crumbled onto the ground, feeling all the energy in him drain away.
"My King is finally home."
Author’s note: This story was set during that specific last moment of Narayan's Ramayana where Rama realizes how little time is left till his fourteenth year is over and he has to return to his hometown where his brother, Bharatha, is waiting on him. I would have liked to make this moment more epic, but I was having a bit of writer's block so this is all I was able to come up with. The story I didn't really change at all, I simply expanded on the moment and put in some extra detail to it.
This moment was one that I had visualized in my head and I just wanted to show how panicky it was and how intense it was on both sides. That is why I had the change of scenes so many times between Rama and Bharatha, just to portray how important time was on both sides and how much it was all rushed and hectic. If you watch Lord of the Rings, then you know that my title is from the third movie "Return of the King" and there is a particular scene in that movie where Gandalf had told Aragorn to "look for me, at first light, on the fifth day," and that moment reminded me of Rama telling Bharatha before leaving for his exile that he will be there on that last day, so look out for him. I kind of wanted to bring that moment from Lord of the Rings into life in my story because the feeling of relief during that moment is insane. Here is a video to kind of make you see how I picture Rama on the horizon on that last day with his whole army behind him:
This moment was one that I had visualized in my head and I just wanted to show how panicky it was and how intense it was on both sides. That is why I had the change of scenes so many times between Rama and Bharatha, just to portray how important time was on both sides and how much it was all rushed and hectic. If you watch Lord of the Rings, then you know that my title is from the third movie "Return of the King" and there is a particular scene in that movie where Gandalf had told Aragorn to "look for me, at first light, on the fifth day," and that moment reminded me of Rama telling Bharatha before leaving for his exile that he will be there on that last day, so look out for him. I kind of wanted to bring that moment from Lord of the Rings into life in my story because the feeling of relief during that moment is insane. Here is a video to kind of make you see how I picture Rama on the horizon on that last day with his whole army behind him:
Bibliography: Narayan, R. K. (1972) The Ramayana.
I liked how your story went back and forth between Rama’s point of view, and Bharatha’s point of view. Also, was your title supposed to be a quip on Lord of the Rings? I saw another post of yours titled Attack on Lanka and I wondered if that title were also an intentional quip. If so, I love it.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to format, I would suggest making your paragraph breaks bigger by hitting enter one more time to break them up. I believe that it would help the story flow a little better. The font and color are good; they go with your blog theme so they are not distracting or anything. There was a bit of an issue with your image, which I don’t know if it was just my computer, but there was an awkward grey portion in it. Also, the link in the picture should lead you to the page that the image was found on, not the image itself.
The function was also pretty good. The link worked correctly for me, which was of course great.
There was one sentence where your word choice needs to be changed. You have the sentence “we must not haste” in your story with Rama telling people to hurry. Haste is actually a term that means to rush or be swift, so by telling them not to haste, you’re telling them to take their time.
I liked your opening line; it drew me in and made me wonder who had the memory and what that memory was. I do believe that your ending could use a bit of improvement. It could do with more detail and expansion because I believe that Bhatatha would do more than just smile, so you could be descriptive. He had almost taken his own life after all.
Otherwise, good job!
Thank you for your comment, Lynze. :)
DeleteI just wanted to point out that I fixed the format, picture, and the sentence with "haste." The format was in that arrangement because I copy-pasted the story onto Google Blogger post and it pushed everything together. As for the picture, I'm not quite sure why there was a gray zone but I re-uploaded it and I believe it's alright now. Plus, I updated the link. I hope I did it correctly this time. And lastly, I also updated the "not make haste" portion. I was writing this story in a hurry so I suppose I wrote that incorrectly while "making haste" myself. :) But thank you for pointing that out.
As for the ending, I sort of rewrote it, with a minor change. I was having a bit of a writer's block once I reached that point so I winged it. If you have a suggestion as to how you think it should continue, I'm more than happy to know and continue writing it.
Lastly, yes! The "Return of the King" was intentional and a reference to Lord of the Rings. "Attack on Lanka" was also done intentionally. Can you guess where I took that one from?
I really enjoyed the intensity of your story. From the moment I began reading, I could sense a feeling of despair from Bharatha and as the story went along, his character became more and more tense and the sun started to set. I like the font, its size and color, and also the layout of your blog. It makes the story easy and fun to read because it pops up out of the computer screen! The addition of dialogue for all the characters made it much more intense because you could sense the urgency in all of their voices. The image you provided went really well with your story because it shows people bowing down to Rama as he enters his Kingdom. You also had great word choice which added to the overall tone of the story. All things considered, I really enjoyed your story and I feel like you did well in organizing your thoughts and minimizing any grammar or punctuation errors. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story! I loved that you went back and forth between Bharatha and Rama's points of view. In both characters' perspectives you could feel and understand their fear (in Rama's case) and hopelessness (in Bharatha's case). The story flowed very well and was easy to read. I like your colors and fonts to match your blog theme. I look forward to reading more of your stories throughout the semester!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I really like your formatting. I haven’t really seen the short lines before, but I may have to use that to help my spacing in future storytelling assignments.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, wow! Great job keeping us on the edge. It was really easy to imagine the scene because of the tone you put in your story and the dialogue you created.
I had a hard time coming up with a suggestion, but if I had to pull one I would say to try and tie the finale to the first paragraph of your story. I know I have a hard time doing that, but if it works out, the connection can make your story just that much more awesome.
Good job!